“Up from here”, End of Book One, Epilog and References
WE assume things
WE assume things by what
THEY say and do.
WE assume way too much and
THEY assume way too little,
WE assume way too little and
THEY assume way too much.
WE want to play and
THEY want to be serious,
WE want to be serious and
THEY want to play.
WE want them to have lots of friends,
THEY want us to be their only friend,
WE want them to be our only friend and
THEY want us to have lots of friends.
WE want them to grow up and
THEY want to stay the same,
WE want to stay the same and
THEY want us to grow up.
WE ask for help and
THEY help us,
WE help them and,
THEY do not help us.
WE want them to love us and,
THEY hate us,
WE hate them and
THEY want to love us.
WE do not want to hurt them and
THEY want to hurt us,
WE want to hurt them and
THEY do not want to hurt us.
WE assume we know them and
THEY know us,
WE assume
THEY know us and
WE know them.
WE assume when
THEY assume not,
WE assume not when
THEY assume about us.
You and me & us and them...
Love James
always...
Epilog
Here I sit and wonder what the future will be, not knowing which way I will end up going or the direction I am to follow. Where does God want me to go, what does He want me to do? God if I only knew what tomorrow is going to be? It seems my life is in a constant turmoil never knowing which way is up. I know what down is but will I ever truly know what up is? Each passing day is no different than the day before.
Being bipolar is not something I would wish that anyone had to live with. Going from one extreme to the other. From being depressed to being manic. Nothing seems to be stable or secure. Not doing anything about a situation to the racing thoughts of not having enough time to get anything done.
I am alone with no one to reach out to who truly understands who I am or for that matter what I am. So what is the point of going on when there is nowhere to go on to? Why was I even born? What is the purpose of my life? What did I do wrong to be living this kind of non-existent type of life?
I sit here and wonder will I ever get this book done? Will it mean anything when I do? For anyone to even take the time to read it in the first place. I wonder where is the God that my Mother loved so very much when she was here among the living with me.
I tried to get a business going building websites before my mom passed away. It seemed I could never get if off the ground. I always hear from people that I build websites for that I have a gift for building websites. I build them from scratch, like artists that start out by drawing on a blank piece of paper. I love building websites the same way and I put as much as my artistic ability into it, I also like to design flyers or leaflets. I have designed quite a few over the years. Right now I have been unable to because I cannot afford the ink for my printer to do it.
I usually end up building websites for people who cannot afford to pay someone to do it for them. And it seems they are always for Christians. Go to my website and you can see samples of all the web sites I have built over the years. God has given me a gift and I keep giving it away to good Christian people.
I ended back in Tulelake because a friend of mine (who used to help me with my Mom in Tulelake) had a mobile home here. She was going to rent it to me, but when I got here, it had problems with the electric and water lines. I was unable to rent it and ended up sleeping in my van with my dog for about a week. I parked by the laundry mat where the manager of the trailer park allowed me to park there, while I was checking out a travel trailer by the owner of the mobile home park that was for sale. But he never seemed to be in town. The manager had a one-bedroom trailer that people had just moved out of it and so he rented it to me. Where I am living now.
During the time when I left the cockroach infested and run down (I work there as a laundry driver for Myers Motels and relief desk clerk back in the mid to late 80’s) Capri Motel. I moved to the old Roberts Motel (I don’t recall the new name) on Market Street, next to the Ponderosa by Safeway on Pine Street. Where the manager Victoria Smyth works. She is a great person and tries to help as many people as she can, that are down on their luck or homeless, she even let Feisty stay too, after she saw her. Victoria is the greatest, in fact, she would sometimes let me slid a day or two, once in a while, to help me out from the high motel weekly rates. It is one of the best-run motels in Redding for transients just overpriced as they all are for homeless. I stayed there for almost two months from mid-November until Jan 3rd, 2008.
The pastor of RFC Rick Bivens emailed me and wanted to know where I was living? I built this website for the Refiner’s Fire Church in Redding. He had mobile homes that he was remodeling and selling so that he could use the funds for building his church. I lived in one of them with a roommate who was down on his luck too from January 3rd to mid-February. Then we moved to another mobile home in the park after that one was done and ready to be sold. My roommate moved out at the end of June. I lived in the last one until July by myself; it was almost ready to be sold so I moved. I could have stayed another month, but it was getting hard living there with my dog being kept inside all the time and the final remodeling still going on.
I left and went down to Red Bluff, where my friend was living with her husband. I stayed in an old motorhome, until we came up here to Tulelake, at the end of July, to work on her mobile home, which is still not completely ready to be rented. The electric problem has been solved but the water problem is still not repaired presently to date.
When my Mom and I were living in Tulelake before. I tried to get involved with working towards getting better senior citizen services programs for Tulelake because they were lacking, along with the same friend of mine who helped me with my Mom. She and I tried to get more help for seniors here but ran into all kinds of roadblocks with politics of a small town. For political reasons, I did not want to come back here. But now I just stay to myself and do not get involved with things here now. I don’t go out much and my only contact with the outside world is by way of the Internet.
I needed somewhere to go so I ended back here, a place I did not want to come back to. Who knows maybe in the spring I will get out more and take a walk? Feisty loves to go for walk I just have not felt like it. I know I cannot drive anywhere until I can repair my van and that is not going to happen for a long time, if ever on my income.
Part of the book I have been writing is on my website, along with samples of other web pages I have built over the years for others. If you check out all the links on my website you may discover two stores I have on café press with products that have not made me any money either.
Written by James C. Garland
Episodes of mania,
Episodes of depression.
The Bipolar Expeditionist
The Bipolar Expeditionist describes what it is like to experience every level of mania right up to the full blown stage, as well as the depressing stagnating flipside. Far less stigma and taboo are attached to illnesses of the mind these days, but that's still not good enough, so these issues are also addressed. This book enables readers of any level, age or race to comprehend an often-tricky subject in a way that isn't too heavy and overpowering, but with just enough mental glue to stick.
The Bipolar Expeditionist is not only a true story; it is an inspirational tool that can be used by caregivers, sufferers and medical professionals for many years to come. Optimism oozes out of the pages, telling the bipolar beholder or their loved ones that all is never lost. By the time The Bipolar Expeditionist has been read you will realize exactly why you will never be left alone, and that despite the agonizing slog you will always past the test, and then go on to enjoy a fulfilling and creative life, just as God intended.
Resources
Note: Listed in order of page(s) located in book and web sites referenced as a resource.
WebMD Medical Reference Recognizing the Warning Signs of Suicide from WebMD at webmd.com pages 10 through 12. http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-recognizing-signs-of-suicide
WebMD Medical Reference Hypomania and Mania in Bipolar Disorder from WebMD at webmd.com pages 12 and 13. http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/hypomania-mania-symptoms
Roseanne Barr: “It’s a unified field of consciousness, where everything knows everything else. God and Jesus are just some of the names we give it.” From Roseanne World page 13. http://www.roseanneworld.com/forum/
Roseanne Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 9:06 am
Post subject:
“rocks for me...this is a world of suffering and never will be any but. the buddhists say existence is suffering....at the end we die...however, jesus wants you to know that there is indeed a way to cope with and live in this world...that is by watering the well inside...miriam's well (it is in the galilee, and so many of his stories were about the galilee)..he was a writer of stories that stuck and still do after all these thousands of years...a great writer, that is what jesus wants you to become, and you will never be finished trying... and suffering is a part of that process, so get used to it, and cope using the meditations i have posted for you to try..if they dont work, then they are not for you, you are paying nothing for them, and so they are free...being free and suffering are the same thing in this world....”
From Roseanne World pages 14 and 15. http://www.roseanneworld.com/forum/
Roseanne Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 11:47 am
Post subject:
“the fact is that you are always just writing about yourself, esp. when you are writing about your view of someone else. It's not really about them at all, but about how you see them. I know the hollywood folks get mad at me for what i write about them, but it is really their media image i am writing about and how that comes across to me.”
From Roseanne World pages 14 through 18. http://www.roseanneworld.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=6499
Proverbs 10:9 (New International Version) page 20.
Proverbs 13:20 (New International Version) page 20.
What’s wrong with me? Written by James C. Garland page 20.
“Fear is what keeps you prisoner. Hope is what sets you free.” Finding Freedom from your Fears by Dr. H. Norman Wright page 25.
Mental Health: Depression From WebMD at webmd.com on page 25. http://www.webmd.com/depression/mental-health-depression
Depression: Depression from WebMD at webmd.com page 26. http://www.webmd.com/depression/mental-health-depression
Depression Basics: From Depression.Com page 26.
https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html>"
Who Gets Depression? From Depression.com page 26. https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html
Bipolar manic/depressive: From WebMD at webmd.com page 31. http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/hypomania-mania-symptoms
Hypomania and Mania in Bipolar Disorder: From WebMD at webmd.com pages 31 and 32. http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/hypomania-mania-symptoms
Panic Attacks and Panic Disorder: From WebMD at webmd.com pages 32 and 33. http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/tc/panic-attacks-and-panic-disorder-topic-overview
Christian Beliefs about Angels page 39. http://www.religionfacts.com/christianity/beliefs/angels.htm
I Believe in Angels “All About Heavenly Guardian Angels” pages 44 and 45. http://ibelieveinangels.com/
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): From WebMD at webmd.com on pages 51 and 52. http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/tc/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd-topic-overview Posttraumatic stress disorder(PTSD): From WebMD page 60. http://www.webmd.com/cancer/tc/ncicdr0000062831-diagnosis-and-symptoms
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder Risk Factors, Protective Factors, and the Development of PTSD: From WebMD pages 60 through 62. http://www.webmd.com/cancer/tc/ncicdr0000062831-risk-factors-protective-factors-and-the-development-of-ptsd
Worker's Compensation - Know Your Rights: pages 62 through 64. http://www.expertlaw.com/library/workers_comp/workers_comp.html
Homeless Image and Stereotypes pages 69 and 70. http://homelesstales.com/2008/07/homeless-image-and-stereotypes/
Famous people who were homeless: pages 70 through 77. http://homelesstales.com/2008/07/famous-people-who-have-been-homeless/
Shamanism pages 86 and 87. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaman
History of Religion in the United States From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 94. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion_in_the_United_States
Religion From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 95. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion
Divinity From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 96. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divinity
In-Home Supportive Services (IHSS) Program page 119 http://www.cdss.ca.gov/agedblinddisabled/PG1296.htm
Caregivers From MedlinePlus U.S. National Library of Medicine and National Institutes of Health page 138. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/caregivers.html
Respite Care From Help Guide at HelpGuide.org page 139. http://helpguide.org/elder/respite_care.htm
Politics From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 139 and 140. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Politics
Luke 9:50 (New International Version) page 141.
Pray for my Dear Mother From Light-A-Candle.ORG on page 169. http://light-a-candle.org/cgi/searchprayers.cgi?thispid=12777
As Time passes written by James C. Garland page 171.
Dementia From WebMD at webmd.com page 171. http://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/tc/dementia-topic-overview
Alzheimer’s From WebMD at webmd.com page 173. http://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/tc/alzheimers-disease-topic-overview
Schizophrenia from WebMD at webmd.com page 174. http://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/tc/schizophrenia-topic-overview
Brain Aneurysm From WebMD at webmd.com page 176 through 178. http://www.webmd.com/brain/tc/brain-aneurysm-topic-overview
Egotism From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 188. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egotism
“Finding Freedom from your Fears” by Dr. H. Norman Wright page 205.
“Finding Freedom from your Fears” by Dr. H. Norman Wright. An example in the book and a quote by John Haggai’s in his words: “Even rational fear can be destructive in its effects. You cannot hide fear. Its destruction begins by feeding on you, and then moving into your social and physical environment.” page 206.
Mental Health: Paranoid Personality Disorder From WebMD at webmd.com page 212. http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/paranoid-personality-disorder
Fear From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 213. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear
Jealousy From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 214.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy
Hypocrisy From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 247.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocrites
Hope From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 252.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope
Optimism From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 252.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optimism
Faith in Christianity From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 257.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faith_in_Christianity
Imagination From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 262.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imagination
Born Again (Christianity) From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at wikipedia.org page 268.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Born_again_Christianity
WE assume things written by James C. Garland page 270.
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