"Up from here" Chapter 2: In the beginning
Over the years when I look back at all the Hypomania Episodes I experienced at the time I had no idea that is what they were. Until in 1993 when I was first diagnosed with being bi-polar manic/depressive after having a panic attack while working for HomeBase. I was expected to cover three departments, paint, décor, and lumber. I refused to do it. I felt it was not my problem that we were short-handed and understaffed; I was not going to do more than I thought I was capable of handling. I was suspended on the spot for refusing to do it.
Looking back I am trying to recall but I believed I went to the emergency room at Mercy Medical Center in Redding, California. I thought I was having a heart attack; it turned out to be a panic attack. They scheduled an appointment for me to be seen by a physiologist and she wrote a doctor’s slip for five weeks State Disability. Which, I thought at the time it was Workmen’s compensation. I discovered when I received my State Disability checks in the mail that it was not Workmen’s compensation, it was State disability.
Part of the problem at the time I was completely exhausted and burnt out. From attending Simpson (College) University full time, while working two part time jobs in Redding, California. Part-time in the lumber department for HomeBase and on weekends for K-FXS 102.7 FM (AC) Adult Contemporary, where on Saturday nights I would engineer Dick Clark’s “Rock, Roll and Remember” from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. and Sunday mornings Dick Clark’s “Count Down America”. Before K-FXS sold the radio station where I was called in as a relief live on air DJ to cover shifts and for remotes until they could sell the station. The last song I played on air live as a DJ was “Hello, Good-bye”, by the Beatles knowing that within a few hours after catching what was termed “catching the satellite”, K-FXS 102.7 FM would go off the air forever.
While still attending Simpson (College) University full time I acquired another job in radio at another radio station part-time through a mutual friend, Kelly Frost who was also a DJ and who was attending Simpson (College) University at the same time I was before we both graduated as the class of 93 of Simpson. Kelly Frost was working at another radio station after they sold K-FXS 102.7 FM. It was K-ARZ 106.1 FM, yet another (AC) Adult Contemporary Radio station format.
When, I first started at K-ARZ 106.1 FM you had to not only be on the air on the FM station, but you had to change commercial carts for the AM station and that was no easy task. Then, they changed (PD’s) program directors and he put a stop to that non-since, plus it was illegal at the time from what I understood for DJ’s to be doing it.
It was June of 1993 and after seeing the physiologist who diagnosed me as being bi-polar manic/depressive she requested that I be given a prescription for Lithium. To see if the Lithium would help with my condition at the time and she signed a doctors’ slip for me to be off work for five weeks due to the stress. I was no longer allowed to be working at HomeBase due to the stress, but I still had my job at K-ARZ 106.1 FM where I was doing overnights (mid-night to 6 a.m.) on weekends. If anything it was not stressful it was fun and enjoyed it and looked forward to doing it.
Before I had a chance to let K-ARZ 106.1 FM know that I was now on disability from HomeBase, due to the stress. I did not want to give up a job I loved doing. The problem was I had been scheduled to work at the Shasta County Fair for a live remote that coming weekend. I had planned on telling them sooner or later, but I had never been given a chance to do a live remote before. I wanted to go ahead and do it, besides on such short notice there was no one else available that could have done it without quitting on the spot and I did not want to quit something I loved doing in the first place and that was being on the air live. It was more fun than anything else; it was not like working at Home Base at all. Being on the air is like doing something you enjoy and do for the pleasure of it and get paid for it all at the same time.
I went ahead and planned to go to the remote on Saturday as scheduled. I stopped by the radio station first to pick up the equipment and my pass for the parking and the fair entrance and was told it should already be at the fairgrounds office. Once I arrived at the fairgrounds and the booth. I could not find the equipment at the fairgrounds that I needed to set up. Then, I was told it must still be out in Cottonwood, California. I had to make a trip to Cottonwood, California to locate the equipment that had been loaned out for a wedding that morning. By this time I had taken my prescribed Lithium for that day.
Gary Moore the program director said before I left the Radio station if I felt like it I could have a beer or two while I was out at the fair and to enjoy myself, so I did. I did both. I was having the time of my life. I was high on being on the air for my first live remote and the Lithium, along with a few beers. I was flying even higher with the combination of Lithium and Alcohol. At the time I had no knowledge of the side effects, nor did I have any understanding or idea what being in a manic state was all about then. I did not take the time to read the prescription warning label and how Alcohol might have an adverse effect with the medication. Since I had never taken it before I had no idea what would happen either. It was like where you get helium gas from a balloon, but not as bad when it comes to speaking as I was not speaking 90 miles an hour but I was talking fast from the adrenalin rush you get when you are on the air and the effects of the medication and alcohol all combined together.
I was flying high and out of control as if I was drunk and I guess you could say I was drunk from the buzz from a few beers and the combination with the Lithium I had taken too. I was having a ball. On the Sunday after I came down from the manic high I was on, reality set in on what I had done and now I was depressed for making such a fool of my self. I worked that Sunday remote at the fair and on that Monday I was called to the radio station and I was fired. Well, at least I didn’t have to tell them I couldn’t work for the radio station anymore either, due to the fact of being diagnosed bi-polar manic/depressive and now on state disability.
I spent the next five weeks getting as much rest as I could and when I returned to HomeBase my job in the lumber department was no longer available as they had replaced my position with someone else. They did, however, offer me a full-time job now as a cashier because my doctors’ note suggested I have a light duty job now. And that was the best they could offer me at the time, so I began training to be a cashier on the front lines in the store and worked almost a year before I was I was fired for missing a signature on a check, which ended up being my fifth warning in a year, so I was terminated.
They were looking for an excuse to fire me anyway because I had an injury where my thumb had been cut when a manager and I was removing a piece of glass to be cut when it cracked and piece of broken glass came down an caught my thumb and I had to have numinous stitches, along with the panic attack it was just another excuse to let me go. So they did, they terminated me. I fought them on my unemployment and won, they were just worried I would sue them for my thumb injury, which maybe I should have, but I never did.
After my unemployment ran out and I had no luck finding a job I saw an ad in the newspaper one day about a job teaching English as Second Language (ESL) in South Korea. I applied for the job and was hired in December of 1994 just in time as my unemployment was running out.
Well here I was six months later after being diagnosed as bipolar manic/depressive I was heading out of the USA to another country for the first time in my life. I had to get a passport, as I did not have one, and never had one before in my life.
Bipolar manic/depressive
Bi-polar disorder: causes dramatic mood swings—from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression."
Hypomania and Mania in Bipolar Disorder Stages
Bi-polar mania, hypomania, and depression are symptoms of bipolar disorder. The dramatic mood swings of bipolar disorder do not follow a set pattern. Depression does not always follow mania. A person may experience the same mood state several times -- for weeks, months, even years at a time -- before suddenly having the opposite mood. Also, the severity of mood phases can differ from person to person.
Hypomania is a less severe form of mania.
Hypomania is a mood that many don't perceive as a problem. It actually may feel pretty good. You have a greater sense of well-being and productivity. However, for someone with bipolar disorder, hypomania can evolve into mania -- or can switch into serious depression.
The experience of these manic stages has been described this way:
Hypomania: At first when I'm high, it's tremendous ... ideas are fast ... like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear... All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there ... uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria ... you can do anything ... but somewhere this changes.
Mania: The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many ... overwhelming confusion replaces clarity ... you stop keeping up with it … memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened ... everything is now against the grain ... you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.
"If you have three or more of the mania symptoms below most of the day -- nearly every day -- for one week or longer, you may be having a manic episode of bipolar disorder:
Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement. Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile. Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep. Rapid talk, talkativeness, Destructibility, Racing thoughts. High sex drive, Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans, Tendency to show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job.
Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)
Some people with bipolar disorder become psychotic, hearing things that aren't there. They may hold onto false beliefs, and cannot be swayed from them. In some instances, they see themselves as having superhuman skills and powers -- even consider themselves to be god-like.
From Hypomania and Mania in Bipolar Disorder from WebMD WebMD
Panic Attacks and Panic Disorder
What are panic attacks and panic disorder?
A panic attack is a sudden, intense fear or anxiety that may make you short of breath or dizzy or make your heart pound. You may feel out of control. Some people believe they are having a heart attack or are about to die. An attack usually lasts from 5 to 20 minutes but may last even longer, up to a few hours. You have the most anxiety about 10 minutes after the attack starts. If these attacks happen often, they are called a panic disorder.
Panic attacks can be scary and so bad that they get in the way of your daily activities. Treatment can help most people have fewer symptoms or even stop the attacks. More women than men get panic attacks.
What causes panic attacks and panic disorder?
Experts aren't sure what causes panic attacks and panic disorder. But the body has a natural response when you are stressed or in danger. It speeds up your heart, makes you breathe faster, and gives you a burst of energy. This is called the fight-or-flight response. It gets you ready to either cope with or run away from danger. A panic attack occurs when this response happens when there is no danger.
Panic attacks and panic disorder may be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals or a family history of panic disorder. They sometimes happen with no clear cause. Panic attacks may also be brought on by:
A health problem such as an overactive thyroid (hyperthyroidism), or heart or breathing problems.
Depression or another mood disorder.
Alcohol abuse.
Using too much nicotine or too much caffeine.
Taking certain medicines, such as those used to treat asthma and heart problems.
Using illegal drugs such as marijuana or cocaine.
Living with high levels of stress for a long time.
You have a higher chance of getting panic disorder if you have a parent with depression or bipolar disorder." From WebMD
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