"Up from here" Chapter 15: Belli Vista

It’s odd how people who claim to call themselves Christians can cause more harm than good. They hurt others and do not even realize it. I do not think they even know what they are doing because no one has ever told them or pointed out the damage they have caused until it is far too late.

I am a Christian myself and believe there is a God and he has always taken care of me. HE always will and HE has been by my side in the good times and the bad times.

(The above at the time is what I believed when I sat down and began writing this book in 2008, I am not so sure about that being true today. As I have come across even more hypocrites who are not only pastors but everyday so called people who claim they are Christians and they are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites pretending to be Christians and preaching the word of God.

I don't believe I am a Christian, not anymore after all the phony Christians, I have come across in my life. I am more like Gandhi now where Gandhi, the great prophet of India, said, "I love your Christ, but I dislike your Christianity.")

The cottage I was living in was just a one-room building in Bella Vista, California where through mutual friends Mike and Arlene Sheehan made it possible for me to have a place to stay. I had just returned from Alturas after taking care of some legal business in Alturas. I was feeling good about the outcome and was beginning to feel good again.

But before I left on the trip to Alturas, California in September of 2007 from Belli Vista, California, Locke the owner of the cottage had asked me to move from a one-room cottage to a small room where the bathroom and shower were located. There was no refrigerator or microwave and yet I was expected to move into the smaller room due to the fact that the Locke had two older Christian students that were coming up from the Bay area to study at Bethel Church and since there were two of them and one of me. Locke said, “It would be unfair to have two people in the smaller room”.

For days, before I left on the trip to Alturas, Locker was trying to get me to move into the smaller room. Which, I did not want to do it at the time, because I felt it was unfair to even ask me, in the first place. After all, I was there first. As long as I did what Locke wanted me to do, everything was fine. Like the time Locke wanted me to tare down his shed next to the small room. Because Locke felt if I did something physical I would feel better about my condition, which he was aware of my bipolar condition, but he did not understand it. I am not ashamed of my condition, I was born with it. There are others who however believe according to their beliefs, that I have an evil spirit or demon inside of me. They do not believe in a person being diagnosed with being manic/depressive bi-polar.

Here I was, renting a room under unusual circumstance, where my whole world could be uprooted and changed at a moments notice by others who seemed to have power or control over me, due to my financial situation at the time and limited income. Which did not make me feel at home, less well very secure after all I had been through since the passing of my Mom on February 22, 2007, and where my entire world had been turned upside down.

Where a month earlier Locke had brought a homeless couple to stay in the small room that Locke now wanted me to move in to. The homeless couple only stayed a day or two and moved on quickly, as it was uncomfortable for them, as well as for me at the time. It was the only human contact I had had for a while up to that time, so I was excited to at least have someone to talk to, as Locke who lived up on the hill above was always with his family. I never felt comfortable going up to their house, even though I was invited to go if I wanted too. I just did not feel good about it, so I had no contact with the outside world, other than Roseanne World (RW) and my friends there.

I rented the room and Locke not having enough freezer space in their own home would also put stuff in the freezer I had in the room. Which, would make it harder for me to buy things at the store that were frozen, without checking first to see how much room I would have in the freezer. My diet at the time was cheap TV dinners, ham and cheese sandwiches, and once in while I would splurge and buy a roasted chicken for Feisty and I.

Locke and his wife Anna, you would think would check to see if I was eating okay and if I might need something to eat for people who claim they are Christians and attend Bethel Church. They never even bothered and did anything of the kind. Once in a while, Anna might bring down leftover dinners. They were too wrapped up in their own lives to even give it a second thought. A young couple with two young children who they took to sporting events and other stuff that we all have in our lives no matter who we are or our status.

During this time they were expecting Locke’s mother-in-law to arrive and return from Russia, as she had just left not too long before I arrived in July of 2007. In fact, she had a green thumb and was the one who planted the flowers in front of the cottage on the front porch, that every morning I was expected to water, along with all the pine trees and other vegetation around the cottage.

No matter how hard I tried at the time, nothing I did was perfect enough in Locke’s eyes. Anna wanted the watering done until they received the water bill, then decided I could water every other day instead of every day like Anna wanted. Since they could not afford to pay for garbage pick up, I was expected to haul my garbage away myself and throw it wherever I could, as that was part of the understanding of living there in the cottage.

Locke had a vision that he shared with me one day about how he felt that he wanted to look out of his living room window, look down at the cottage and wanted it to look like heaven, heaven on earth. No joke! Over the years that Locke tried to help people they would come and go and leave their belongings behind. There was an accumulation of other people’s stuff left behind, including, what I would leave behind when I left someday.

Between tearing down the shed beside the small room, where the shower and bathroom were located. Locke expected me to clean up the rest of the junk left by others. I did help him to sell the 5th wheel that his mother-in-law had lived in before she returned to Russia the last time she was there. I designed a flyer to post on the 5th wheel and helped him set it up so he could sell it, due to the fact that he needed the money. He was very pleased with my artistic abilities when it came to flyer designs, but anything beyond that, Locke was not pleased, I could never make him happy.

Like the time Locke wanted me to dig a ditch so that we could run a 6-inch hose from the swamp cooler that would be connected to the cottage and to the small room where the bathroom was located. Locke even expected me to replace a window in the small room behind the cottage where the bathroom was located. Take the old window out and put the new one in without any knowledge of how to do it on my part. Which frustrated me for the longest time, as I do not have carpenter skills, but still Locke expected me to do it. The closest I could get to do it was to remove the wood framing and I never even attempted the ditch for the swamp cooler, that was crazy.

The homeless couple had stayed a day or two and then left. But while they were there the young male attempted at the time to dig the hole and gave up digging the ditch between the two buildings and left the hole he had dug. Which after awhile was more of hazard with all the rocks that had been dug up, due to his attempt. And Feisty would end up dragging the rocks as she ran around the yard with the cable I had her on for her safety of not running off. Feisty did get loose once or twice but always seemed to know where she lived and came back.

I was in a great mood driving on my way back from Alturas, California. I had made the decision to move into the small room when I got back due to the fact that the two Christian students were due to move in anytime now. I was very delighted at how things turned out for me in Alturas in a very positive way for my future.

I arrived back and pulled up and parked my van. I got out and went into the cottage and then to the small room to use the bathroom. I noticed someone else's stuff in the small room and figured they were here or close by. After using the bathroom I went into the cottage and began moving my stuff to the small room.

Now it was just a matter of moving my stuff and waiting to meet them for the first time. I was feeling good for the first time in a long while as if my mood was swinging in the up direction. It was beginning to get dark, as the sun set was not too far off in the distance as another blessed day was ending and a new one was shortly to begin.

I moved quite a bit of my stuff and was in the middle of moving my stuff when the older one of the two Christian students had arrived and he saw what I was attempting to do. We made our introductions and afterward Dementias offered to help me with the rest of my stuff. We both began working together as if we had known each for a long time, we felt comfortable with each other. After all, for me it had been a while since I had someone to talk too. Starting to swing upwards, I was very talkative and full of energy. The energy I had not had in a long, long time.

Then awhile later the younger of the two Christian students had arrived and I introduced myself to him and he to me. They both then updated each other with their plans for the day and the next, for what they had come here to do. I continued to move my stuff in the back room as Feisty was beginning to adjust to new human contact and they with her.

We began to share more about each other and became fast friends or at least I had thought we were beginning too at the time. Dementias got out his guitar and we began to sing Christian songs and a song or two that Dementias had written himself. I gave them some time to settle in and I went to my small room to begin to move things around to make it a home again. And get used to the new surroundings by beginning to adjust to a new environment. Even though I had walked through that area when I needed to use the bathroom or take a shower before when I was in the one cottage. Now it was a matter of getting used to strange people coming through to use the shower or restroom. We made an agreement at the time until I could figure out how to refrigerator stuff and how I was going to cook. I could leave some of my food in the refrigerator in the cottage. There were three of us using the same space, along with Anna and the stuff she had in the freezer.

Steve and Dementias had come up to take a year-long program offered by Bethel Church in Redding, California. They needed a cheap place to stay and decided to share the costs while they were here. They still needed to make another trip back to the Bay area to get more of their stuff that they did not bring on this trip with the two vehicles they drove up in. They were going to return and get the other stuff that had been put into storage in the Bay area the next coming weekend, but only drive the truck down and leave the car until they returned. They had to go to Bethel and attend their orientation meetings so they could find out their schedules for classes. They needed different directions from me on how to get to certain places in Redding, California due to the fact that I knew my way around Redding, California and they did not, and because of my knowledge of the area I could help them by giving them the directions they needed. For years off and on as I left Redding, California and returned numinous times over and over again I most certainly knew my way around the area.

The first night we started off very well and they were settling in and all of us were adjusting to each other when Locke finally arrived and went over their rental arrangements. Locke and Dementias had met each other when Locke was attending a Christian function at Bethel Church a few weeks earlier. When Locke overheard Dementias mention that he was looking for a room to rent for himself and his roommate Steve. Locke then introduced himself to them and said he might have a place that might fit into their situation of looking for a room and might be able to solve their problem. The three of them had met each other in the coffee shop area at Bethel Church.

After they made their rental arrangements, then Locke came over to my room and made a comment that he liked how I was fixing it up and wasn’t it a good deal and how much he appreciated what I had done and that we were both brothers in Christ. I was now closer to the bathroom and he thanked me for deciding to stay and not move as I had thought about doing before the students arrived a few days earlier. In fact, the day before I decided to make the move Anna was walking in front of the cottage as I was sitting on the front porch trying to decide before I went to Alturas if I wanted to stay and move in the back room or find somewhere else to live when I got back from Alturas. When Anna walked by she ignored me being there, where usually Anna would always say, “How are you doing James?” I was thinking to myself that she was not happy I was still in the cottage and had not moved to the small room. Her mother from Russia had arrived about this time too, if not a week or two earlier according to my memory of the time.

The next time Locke came down with his wife Anna, the three of us, Dementias, Steve and I was in the cottage singing praise songs and having a great time. Anna thanked me for cleaning up the cottage and moving to the small room in the back. Anna was happy with me now it seemed.

I mentioned that it was Dementias and I that had done the clean up together. I took the opportunity to mention about the space in the freezer that now with three of us here it made for less room. Anna said she would come down tomorrow and take the frozen peaches out and remove it to the new freezer they had bought for her mother from Russia (who did not speak English, but her mother understood it most of the time).

I was so wide awake and wired up on all the red bulls that I usually drink when I am on a high that help me to get the boost I love when I am in the manic state. All the excitement meant for me I would be awake for quite awhile until I ran down. Which in my case may not be until the sun comes up in the morning. I moved my computer and hooked it up to the Internet and I was back online now with the wireless Internet with my contact with the outside world. Now I had human contact in real life.

It was just a matter of getting Feisty used to people coming through the small room and not getting out the door. With the new roommates in the cottage getting used to coming through to use the restroom, as it was for me to get food out of the refrigerator or to cook something to eat. We had understandings that if either party needed something that they did not have to knock on each others doors, but rather to feel that we were all roommates. We made each other convertible with the uncomfortable situation we were now up against due to the arrangements of the two rooms. The amenities that were in the cottage, such as the refrigerator and microwave that were offered and the small back room and its facilities such as the toilet, sink, and shower. So far, so good as they say when people first meet, but that was not to last for long the honeymoon friendship period would soon come to an end.

As the night wore on I was more awake and they could not figure out how I could still be awake. Earlier Steve wanted to borrow my computer so he could check his banking accounts. I set Steve up on my computer as a guest. And even Dementias wanted to check his email. They liked the idea of having the wireless Internet, as they figured like I did it was, FREE.

Steve figured he could now bring his computer up from the Bay area and it would save them on an Internet connection charges. Earlier Steve had bought a closet that had to be put together. Actually, Dementias had put it together. In the cottage, there was no closet. They discovered the gift I had for building websites and other computer skills that they found interesting at the time.

In fact Steve had been in a major traffic accident in the past that had turned his life around, as he was drinking at the time of his accident and he felt God had tapped him on the shoulders and wanted him to preach the “Word of God” now and the only way Steve could do that he felt, was by attending the classes offered by Bethel Church. In all places, Redding, California. Steve had written a story about his chance encounter with God and wanted to know if I could help him some time with it. He gave me a copy of his story to read and I put it in my new small room to read later.

In the meantime Dementias wanted me to help him with his computer skills, as he did not understand much about the Internet, less well be able to type and Dementias wanted to check his email from his daughter. Dementias wanted to know if I could help him to figure out how to send her an email and check his email too. I did what I could at the time for both of them.

I was wide awake in the back room in Bella Vista working on some project ideas I was going to do. I was fired up and full of energy again, boy it felt good. I even read the story about Steve and how it was not like lightening that had struck him but rather the full force of GOD when he experienced the close encounter with death in the major traffic accident Steve had survived from.

The problems came when I tried to get too close to my new roommates as they had come to study and I was taking their time away from them and due my condition of being manic/depressive Bi-polar I was having a manic episode and people get upset when I become talkative as I am known to do when I am in the manic state. I was beginning to feel good and had not felt that energy in a long, long time. I was excited to have people around me now that I could share things with again. It got to the point that I was now getting paranoid and I don’t normally feel that way except when I begin to feel insecure about my surroundings or uncomfortable. To the point, I had a fear of even opening my mouth to speak for fear of being a bother or a pest now from the vibrations I was receiving now from my new roommates so to speak.

The next morning from what I can remember. I woke up after a short nap that helped recharge my batteries as I refer to it as being. I opened the door to the outside and noticed Dementias relieving his self outside at the end of the room in the open area between the two buildings, as I was thinking to myself that Dementias did not want to bother me to go through my room to use the bathroom and I completely understood the feeling. And also that every time they did, I would it seem strike up a conversation and all they wanted to do was use the facilities connected to my room and wanted nothing to do with me or at least that was the feeling I was getting from both of them now. I tried to make it as comfortable for them as I could, to the point of even rigging up a flashlight they could use in case my light was off.

I even rearranged the bed in the room so that Feisty was as far away from the door so she would not get out if they did come through. With them not being used to Feisty yet and how if a door is open, off she goes if she is off her Leese. And it takes me a while to chase her down until she is ready to come back after she runs free in the neighborhood. While I worry that she might get run over or get lost. The more I chase after her, the further down the road she tends to go. I have to get in front of her and head her back to the house or wherever we are living at the time. Like herding cows or sheep to get them to go in the direction you want, without starting a stampede.

It is no wonder they did not want to come into my room. On the other hand, if I needed something to eat or drink that was in the refrigerator or use the microwave I was just as uncomfortable as they were with me. I did not want to bother them for fear of invading their privacy. In fact, that day when they went to orientation at Bethel Church I defrosted the refrigerator. In the process of doing that Anna and her mother came down and removed the frozen peaches out of the refrigerator. In the meantime, the light bulb in the refrigerator burnt out and I had to drive to the hardware store to get a replacement bulb.

I finished that task and I decided to head to Redding to the dollar store to buy cleaning supplies. Along with a shelf to put in the bathroom so we would have a place to put personal items such as dish soap for washing dishes, as the sink was also in my room. I even offered to help out by doing their dishes since I had all the time in the world on my hands. Then later I decided that would be a bad idea, why should I do their dishes the way they were treating me, they did not deserve that kind of treatment the way they were treating me at the time.

I was so proud of the things I did that day that I couldn’t wait until they returned home from Bethel Church so I could share with them what I had accomplished that day. They were not in the best of moods when they returned and were busy bickering with each other. I got their attention long enough to show them what I had done with the bathroom, sink and shower room. They were not in the least bit interested and it hurt my feelings. The trash and garbage were beginning to pile up, as there were now three of us discarding trash to haul off.

Dementias had made it point that he did not come up to be in a party mode and this was not directed at me so much as it was at Steve who it seemed was spending a lot of time on his cell phone talking to his friends in the Bay area and Dementias let him know what he thought about the wasted time on the cell phone. In fact, he came down on his friend so hard that they got into a disagreement and discussion to point that I thought they both were going to go back to the Bay area and quit the program at Bethel Church altogether from what I was hearing from their yelling and screaming at each other.

I spent time with each of them as Dementias was so frustrated that he needed to get away so he wanted to know if I wanted to take a ride with him to have a cup of coffee somewhere. I left Feisty on the cable and we went for a drive and ended up at Denney’s in Redding and began to share more about each other. I shared stuff about my Mom and the everything I had been through. Dementias and I had a few things in common, as he had similar things happen to him with his father and his relatives. We then headed back home and in the meantime while we were gone Locke came down and visited with Steve. Locke left before we got back. I then left them in the cottage and went to my room to leave them alone to work out their differences.

The next morning Steve wanted me to take a ride with him so he could find a place to buy a new charger adapter for the house and his car for his cell phone, as it was getting low. We then headed to Redding before both of them had to get to classes at Bethel that morning. I showed him how to get to town one way by Old Alturas Hwy and coming back by 299 East and where the exit was for Bethel Church. They then both left for their classes after we got back and that was the last time I had any contact with them for that day. I stayed to myself when they got back that night and the only time I saw them is when they used the bathroom or washed their dishes in the sink.

The next day, I kept my distance and that night too and I just stayed in my room by myself to give them the space they needed and the time to study. I just spent time on the Internet. After all, they did not come up from the Bay Area to spend time with me. They came up with a goal to study and complete their program that they paid for with that purpose in mind. They would only come through when they needed to go to the restroom or take a shower and I gave them all the distance they wanted.

The next morning I was looking at the area next to the cottage that Locke wanted to get cleaned up and straighten out and I happen to see a person walk by. Which I thought at the time was Locke walking around moving the water hose or something because from my point of view all I could see were legs with no way to tell who it was walking by. I then said, “hey you!” And Steve yelled back angrily, "Can’t you see I am studying”. Well from my point of view he was just walking outside. How was I to know he was studying, other than how he snapped back at me? I asked Steve if I could get his opinion on how he would approach cleaning up the stuff that needed to straighten up by the side of the cottage and back door. Steve made the comment that most of the stuff looked like it was personal stuff. Then, I shared with him Locke’s vision where he wanted his property to look like heaven when he looked down from his living room window.

A little while later as I was getting something out of my van and I was headed to the front area of the cottage and noticed both of them having a conversation on the front porch of the cottage. I made a U-turn and headed the other direction, as I did not want to intrude in their conversation; nor bother letting them know that I was there. It came to the point I was beginning to avoid any contact with them and I was beginning to feel depressed and paranoid that instead of feeling good I was beginning to feel disconnected from both of them now.

After they left for school I decided I would start cleaning out the shed area outside the door where all kinds of stuff had accumulated with people who had come and gone and left it behind when they left. I started cleaning it up and rearranged it. I did a good job of it if I do say so myself. It looked so much better at least you could get in and out of the back door of the cottage without a bunch of stuff to walk over or around. Then I got paranoid again after I entered the cottage to get my coffee maker and some of my stuff out of the refrigerator. I began to think that I had entered their cottage without permission where I did not feel comfortable and I feared they would want to have me arrested for breaking and entering while they were away. Even though the door was still unlocked and where a couple days ago it was okay. I began to regress to the state of fear and insecurity. My mind had begun playing tricks with me and the only thought I had was I could leave before they got back and move all of my stuff and get a storage unit until I could figure out where to go. I was also having a panic attack after I read some comments that were left out on the counter for to me read in case I had entered the cottage after they went to school. Steve had started to document everything I said or did it so when Locke got back he could use it to complain about how I was keeping them from studying or how uncomfortable they felt about me being there because of my mental condition of being manic/depressive bi-polar. That did not help with my insecure state of mind that I was already in at the time.

I put Feisty in the van and off we went to rent a storage unit and get everything moved before they returned from Bethel Church that day. I found a storage place and rented the smallest unit I could find or afford. Then I headed back to start to move all of my stuff. I made the first trip to the storage and unloaded the stuff into storage and then headed back to load the van for the second load and then I decided to let Locke know what I had decided before I left.

I went up to the house to let Locke know I was leaving but I forgot that he was in the Midwest with his wife Anna on a business trip. Locke’s children were being taken care by their grandmother who is from Russia, while Locke and Anna are away. I was trying to explain to her what I was doing, but she did not understand a word I was saying. She got on the phone and called her daughter Anna for an English translation. I explained to Anna what I had decided and I needed to talk to Locke. Locke got on the phone and I explained what I was doing because I did not want to be responsible for Steve and Dementias in the cottage not getting any studying done because of me. I became very emotional on the phone, as I get very sensitive at times with my condition. The Locke said to me that we were all brothers in Christ and the devil was playing tricks with my mind and Locke said he loved me and for me to bring all my stuff back out of storage. Locke did not want me going anywhere and we would talk about it when he got back. I let him know I was not a thief in case after I left something came up missing. When I got off the phone Locke’s mother-in-law had made me a plate of Russian food and I sat with her on the front porch and ate it and it was good and just what I needed at the time. Then, I went back to my van and started to unload the stuff I had just put into the van earlier to take to the storage unit I had just rented.

In the meantime, Locke’s friend Franklin had stopped by while I was still unloading the van and he was taking the kids and their grandmother to the church on the other side of Hwy 299 east. Franklin invited me to go have dinner with them at the church. I asked if I could talk to him before we went and the kids wanted to go right now. But Franklin and I both told them to go on and that we would be over there in a few minutes. It was in walking distance from the house. I began to lay it all out on how I felt and what I was going through. What I was feeling. Franklin mentioned to me he used to be an EMT and understood everything I was saying to him about my condition and state of mind. I shared what was bothering me about what was expected of me by Locke. How I felt I was keeping Dementias and Steve from their studies. That it might be best if I left and Franklin said, “You were here first and they needed to adjust to me, not the other way around”. I did not want Steve and Dementias to leave because of me.

I left the van as it was and Feisty on the cable. We then began to walk to the church for dinner and I told Franklin I would unload the rest of the van when I got back from the church. Franklin offered to give me a hand unloading it, but I said I could do it later when we get back from dinner. As we walked to the church we began to share different things that we had in common and some of the things that were on my mind about the situation with Steve and Dementias. Franklin said he understood my state of mind and my condition very well.

We arrived at the church and there was pizza on the table and boy did it look good, as I had not had pizza in a long time. We sat there having a general conversation with Locke’s’ children and their grandmother from Russia. Then all of sudden as things were being cleaned up as people were leaving I noticed that the children and the grandmother were no longer at the table. Neither one of us had noticed that they had got up and left due to the fact we both were engrossed in the conversation we're having at the time.

We both were kind of in a panic mode now. We checked the entire area and they could not be found or seen anywhere. We could only assume that they must have walked back to the house without us. We then walked back to the house. When we got back to the house they were not there either. Franklin got into his jeep and drove back to the church to see if they were still there. In the meantime, I started to unload the van again with what I had loaded in earlier to take to the storage unit I had rented.

I heard Locke’s friend Franklin drive back up in the driveway on the hill. I went up and asked Franklin if he had found them and by now it was getting dark. And Franklin said he had found them. What a relief. Franklin said they were still at the church and that they had all three gone into the bathroom, the one place we didn’t think about, at least I didn’t. Locke had a daughter about 8 years old and her brother about 6 years old. I did not think at the time that all three of them would be in the same restroom together. But it was good news that they were safe, but I felt that Locke was going to be mad when he got back from his business trip. And because of me, they might have been put in danger. The reason I thought that was because Locke’s friend Franklin is always with them, the children and the grandmother and I had taken his attention away by dealing with my problems.

I was lying in my room gathering my thoughts for the day when I could hear voices outside my room coming from the cottage. I overheard a comment as the back door to the cottage had been opened and Steve made a statement. “It looks like someone cleaned up this place now we can get out the door and not worry about tripping over something. It looks better now”.

Then a few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was Dementias wanting to use the restroom. Dementias entered and got a shock of his life, it looked from his point of view that the room had been turned upside down compared to what it had been the last time he saw it. My bed was on the floor and my computer was still in storage along with most everything else of value as I loaded the van with the final stuff that I would be taking on a trip or living out of the van again as I had before when I first arrived from Alturas and met Mike and Arlene Sheehan. The only light was the light coming from the bathroom being ajar as the lamps were in storage now.

Dementias asked, “What happened? Are you moving?” And I said, “I was going to until I talked to Locke on the phone and he said, “For me to put everything back and that I did not have to move.” Locke also said, “You paid for a storage unit that you cannot use and now you have to bring everything back and wasted spending money on it. You bring your stuff back, this is your home and we are brothers in Christ" and he said he loved me as family. And Dementias said, “Oh, I see”. And then he asked, “Why were you leaving anyway?” I answered him and said, “Because I did not want to keep you guys from studying or be a reason that you guys did not stay here or a bother to you guys”. And I went on to say how I knew how uncomfortable it was for them to go in and out of my room and how uncomfortable it was for them for me to go in out of their room in the cottage. But I was going to go ahead in the morning go and get the rest of my stuff back out of storage and fix up the room again. Dementias then asked, “Where is your computer” and I said, “It is in the storage and I will bring it back tomorrow”. Dementias said, “Oh! Wow! I was going to see if I could check my email to see if my daughter wrote me back”. I said, “In the morning I will get it and set it up again, along with everything else I had in here before and try and put it back the way it was before I took it all to storage”. Dementias said, “Ok! I need to use the restroom and I am tired and need to get some rest so I can get up early and study.” Dementias then went into the bathroom and used it. And when Dementias came out after he was finished Dementias asked if it was ok if he took a shower in the morning? And I said, “No Problem”. Dementias said, “See you in the morning” and I said, “See you in the morning”. Then Dementias closed the door behind him on his way out.

The door had no lock on it and in this room, there were holes or leaks in the walls that had not been filled or where plaster had crumbled off around the doors and windows. The room was not insulated very well the same way the bathroom and shower area was still under construction and installation could still be seen as well as the 2 x 4’ beams. And there was a leak from the water heater that had not been fixed yet that leaked onto the floor and made the floor wet. That’s why when buying stuff for the bathroom I also bought one of those rubber mats to help absorb some of the water that was on the floor where Locke had not had the time to fix the leak. Instead there was this little plastic small cup that was put underneath the pipes where the small water heater was located on the beam above the shower. And it was to be emptied ever so often. It would fill up and then leak and drip over the sides of the cup. There was no way to keep it from overflowing, as the drips would fill it up in less than an hour that’s how fast the drips were flowing. I even tried to use anything I could think of to stop the leak but I am not a plumber either. I used whatever materials I could find to use that I could think of to try and fix the leak or slow it down but that did not work either. The only way to fix the leak was for Locke to do it himself or have someone else do it that knew what he or she were doing, but Locke did not seem to have the time to do it or find someone that could, like a plumber.

The next morning I woke up early after getting a good nights sleep. The agenda for today was to go and get all the stuff out of storage again and bring it back to the room. The first person through the room was Dementias as the door was open and Dementias asked if he could use the bathroom and I said, “Sure, why not?" Dementias then went on to use the restroom and on his way back out I noticed there was a strange look on his face as he asked, “Are you leaving again?” I said, “No, why?” Dementias said, “I saw your mattress leaning against the wall and I thought you were leaving again.” I said, “No. I put the mattress up against the wall so that when I get the box springs out of storage I can put it on the bed frame first that way it will be easier when I unload the box springs after I get it out of storage”. Dementias said, “Good, I just thought you were going to leave again”. While this conversation was taking place Steve yelled for Dementias and that he wanted him to come over to the cottage where Steve was at for some reason or the other. So Dementias left and went to the cottage and went inside and closed the door.

A little while later as I was almost ready to leave to go and get the rest of the stuff back out of storage, it was mentioned that they both wanted to take a shower. Steve wanted to take a shower first and then Dementias would take one when I got back. Steve about that time came through and let me know that he was going to take a shower and I said, “Go for it”.

When Steve was done taking his shower I was almost ready to go. I went outside to give Steve a little privacy. I was ready to go, it was just now a matter of passing the time. So I wandered around the yard and then went and got the hose and put it by the tree that Feisty' cable was connected to so that I could give the tree some water. I was just waiting around for the storage to open up, as it was still early and the storage place did not open up until 7:00 AM. All I was doing was getting things ready for when I bought the stuff in storage back and trying to pass the time until I did leave to go bring it back. I was thinking at the time they both were up early and I guessed they needed to get some studying done before their classes at around 11:00 AM at Bethel Church.

It was almost 7:00 AM and the storage unit was about 8 miles away through Palo Cero, California and then you have to drive west off of highway 44 and get off on Shasta View Drive towards Redding, California. It was only about a 10 or 15-minute drive from Bella Vista and the cottage and room in the back. I could take Old Alturas Hwy and go to Shasta View Drive and take that way because it was shorter. Going through Palo Cero, California would be the long way to the storage unit. I took Old Alturas, as it was faster.

I was going to leave Feisty on the cable as that would make it easier and much faster if I did and I asked if they would mind keeping an eye out for her as she had a tendency to get wrapped around the tree or behind the room with the bathroom and shower. There were obstacles of piled up wood and other things around the back side of the back building that she would also get tangled up in and would need help getting undone.

I left to go and get the stuff from storage. And when I got back and pulled in to unload by backing up and parking between the two buildings, Dementias came out of the cottage and wanted to see if he could take his shower and I said, “Why not!” While Dementias was taking his shower I began to unload all of my stuff again and bring it into the room.

In the meantime as I was setting things up again I mentioned that I needed to go to the store as I needed to buy some things and that I would be leaving again as soon as I fixed up the room somewhat like it was before. If I had thought about it before I would have stopped at the store on my way back from the storage, but I did not think about it at the time. I unloaded the van, fixed up the room and then left again for the store. While in the store shopping a book caught my eye and I bought it. It is a book called, “Finding Freedom from your Fears” by H. Norman Wright. When I got back from the store and put things away that I bought at the store I laid on my bed and started reading the book when Dementias came to use the restroom to shave in the bathroom and asked how I shaved without a mirror? I have a beard so I do not need to shave that often. I mentioned to him I just did it outside with my side mirror on the van. I then shared with Dementias about what I was reading and that I had picked the book up at the store and that a Christian Author wrote it.

About this time Steve wanted to see if I had any tea and he also made a statement. “Did you bring everything back?” and that kind of ticked me off a little, what did he mean by that statement, “Did you bring everything back?” Was he accusing me of stealing something? I just let it pass, but he was not a very nice person, he had an attitude as if he was better than the rest of us. He acted like God had chosen him and he was in the good graces of God and Steve gave the impression that he was special and everyone else was below him. Where Dementias was easier going except for the goals of accomplishing the studying, he was more disciplined in that respect. I had just started to read the book at the time and that remark was going through my mind over and over for the fear that I was going to be accused of something missing of theirs and get blamed for it as Steve was either out to get me or was jealous of my friendship with his roommate as that is the impression I was given and I just could not quite put my finger on it with Steve. I was already dealing with my own demons, I sure did not need theirs too on top of my own.

After Dementias and Steve left for their classes that day I began to read more of the book called, “Finding Freedom from your Fears” by H. Norman Wright. An example in the book and a quote by John Haggai’s in his words: “Even rational fear can be destructive in its effects. You cannot hide fear. Its destruction begins by feeding on you, and then moving into your social and physical environment.”

That’s what happened to me I was beginning to fear the worst and my mind began playing tricks on me. I was feeling rejected and belittled all the time. I could never be good enough in the eyes of others. I was not living up to their standards or expectations as to how I should or should not do things. I was beginning to feel everyone hated me from how I felt my family had felt about me because of the choices I had to make regarding my Mom’s health over the years. Along with the family members who went out of their way to cause problems if they did not get their way. Like spoiled children who as long as they were getting what they wanted, their way, everything was fine then. Lots of times friends are like that too, as long as you agree or support everything they do.

When they need you everything is fine, but when you need help they are nowhere to be found. They are too busy because they only have the time for you when they need or want something from you. If there is no gain, they are not interested. But when they need you, you are one they come to first. I was tired of all the struggling I was going through and it seemed I had enough of trying to get back on my feet and go on with my life after Mom’s passing. What I had gone through after her passing by people who I thought were my friends. In reality, were only using me for their own personal gain. Having family arguing as to where Mom should be buried and interned. The selfishness on their part for wanting things their way instead of the way Mom wanted it. Taking for granted the one thing Mom always wanted and craved for but could never have and that was a mother. Because she lost her mother at a young age at the moment in time she may have needed a mother the most and that was during her teen years.

Another reason I had moved to Alturas, California at the time and that was to do more research as to where my grandmother was killed. We moved to Tulelake, California, and Malin, Oregon area because I was hoping someone would remember Mom from her days in High School and would try to make contact with her from the past, but that never happened either.

I was still in mourning at the loss of Mom and how I had to make the call on them stopping CPR before they cracked her ribs. And where the last moment with her with the breathing tube down her throat where I told her the last time I saw her alive how much I loved her. I did not think she was going to die; otherwise, I would have seen to it she was given last rights before a person passes onto the next. I knew Mom loved the Lord without a doubt, so there was no need to do it. At least that is what was running through my mind at the time before my mom passed away.

I was so tired when I was with her that morning waiting to see if my sister was going to get there to give me a break. They say that when patients are hooked up to breathing tubes they can hear you, they just cannot speak. I asked my Mom if she heard me and if she did to squeeze my hand and she did. I then got up and looked at her in the face and I could see this tiny tear coming from her left eye as I reached over and gave her kiss on her forehead. Little did I know at the time that it was my last kiss to her and my final one while she was alive? How was I to know that in reality, it was my final kiss goodbye to my mother and final moment with her while she was still alive? I was so tired at the time I could hardly keep my eyes open, but yet so overtired I was unable to sleep. I was like a walking zombie because by this point I had been up and awake by now somewhere near 27 hours without sleeping.

I stepped back and let the family visit with my Mom and maybe that might have been one of my mistakes in her health care. I usually was right on top of it with the doctors but I was so tired I just let it slip and gave my sister and her family time with mom to say their good-by's and yet I was the one that had not accepted the fact that she was dying. In my mind, I would be taking her home soon again, that is why I left all the funeral documents at home, because if I had brought them with me it would have been a sure sign I had lost all hope, even though the thoughts crossed my mind as I was driving to Mercy Medical Center in Redding, California from our home in Alturas, California that night. Even though I thought I had everything covered I knew there was going to be something I overlooked if she did pass away and the fact how my life would change in an instant and forever and be upside down instead of right side up and normal again for whatever a person considers as being normal, or normal. Or a normal life if there is such a thing, but I doubt it for anyone one to have a normal life, there is no such thing in my opinion.

Forever is a long time and being as I continued to read, “Haunted by the Past” “Some of us are especially sensitive to any hint of rejection. And because of this tendency, rejection is seen in statements and actions when it doesn’t even exist. We live with the ghosts of rejection. Every rejection we’ve experienced in the past causes us to be overly sensitive to being rejected in the present. The pain of previous rejections stays with us; it haunts us.” “Finding Freedom from your Fears” by H. Norman Wright. Pg 65. These negative thoughts began to play on my mind now.

In my case that is what people say about me that I am overly sensitive and let things get to me that often times do not bother other people. I always think of others before myself and sometimes they take advantage of my good bigheartedness. I always want to help people and do whatever it takes to make them happy while denying my own happiness or well-being. And when I do reach out and try to be their friend and be as loyal as one can be expected to do I end up being rejected or slighted because I do not jump when they say jump or how high. I try to get better and better at the things I do and find myself thinking things are going on around me that do not exist, except in my head or my mind.

This time I felt I was pushed to the end of my rope and that’s exactly how I thought I would end it all. And that gave me an idea I would search in the shed area by the cottage for the rope I knew was there because I had used it to hang clothes as a clothesline a month or so ago. And since I had cleaned up and straightened the area I knew where it was at without any problems finding it, as I was the one that put it away. I went and found the rope to start the chain of events that were about to take place moments from now.

I was giving up on life and not wanting to go on anymore, as it had become a burden I no longer wanted to carry. My Mom was gone so what else did I have to live for anymore. I had no social life so to speak and my only contact with any one outside of my little world were people I have never met in real life on Roseanne World (RW) and the support they were trying to give me when I was in deep depression and unwilling and unable at the time to seek the help that was suggested I do if suicidal thoughts had entered my mind and I saw no other way out, I wanted to die.

The rejection was beginning to set in and all the ghosts from my past were playing tricks with my mind, enough to not realize what I was doing and no one to give a damn or even care with the exception of my dog Feisty who loved me unconditional no matter how hard things got at times. Through thick and thin she was always by my side and followed me everywhere I would go and threw a fit if I left her alone or went off somewhere without her.

I put the book down “Finding Freedom from your Fears” by Dr. H. Norman Wright and headed to the bathroom and began to go about hanging the rope over the beam above the shower and tied a hangman’s noose. I threw the rope over the beam above and at the rear of the shower stall to see if I could stand up and then let go and hang myself. It seemed in my mind that it might work and all I had to do now was write a note to Locke and leave a note on how and what to do with my dog Feisty after I was gone. I even thought at the time my dog deserved a better life than I was able to give her and that she might be happier with a better master, after all, all I did was spoil her since the day I first held her in my arms when she was six weeks old in Newell, California.

My whole life was going through my head and all it seemed I could think of was all the failures in my life, not the successes and my accomplishments that I had to achieve in my life. Things that other people only wished they could have experienced at times who were envious or jealous to the point of resenting the things I had done in my life in the past. Someone else I know now says, “I should learn not to read so much into what people are doing or what they are thinking about me or me about them.”

I was concentrating more on my failures, than the achievements. I may not be famous but I was well educated. The most educated person in my siblings and the most traveled as I had been out the country and taught ESL in South Korea a little over three years. The only one in my family who had been out of the USA was my brother Rick who was in the army and was in Vietnam in the 70’s. I was even an on-air radio DJ in Redding while going to Simpson University full time.

I also once worked at Universal Studios on the back lot in the Merchandise Department and in a place called Sound Tracks Recording Studio in the Tour Park next to Screen Test Theatre back in 1988. Where I wrote the following: “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Sound Tracks Universal Studios Tour where you are the star. We have over 400 different songs to choose from, once you decide which song you want to sing, you can do it in one of two different ways. You can lib sync the artist on the recording or you can sing it yourself. Once again good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Sound Tracks Universal Studios Tour where you become the star. If you have any questions feel free to ask the technicians here and they will be more than glad to help you. Once again ladies and gentlemen welcome to Sound Tracks Universal Studios Tour where you become the star.”

I have directed and designed a set for two one-act plays when I was in my early Twenties for a senior citizen group in Seal Beach, California. I was in a play called, Moon Children that was entered into the American College Theatre Festival and we came in 6th in our district and had the opportunity to perform it at the University of Las Vegas, Las Vegas in 1976 during the bicentennial for the USA.

I was New Car Get Ready Manager for Felix Chevrolet in downtown Los Angeles with 10 porters under me and responsible for 750 brand new cars and trucks. Where I sent them out to get T-tops, radio's, AC's and had to know where the vehicles were at all times for all the salesman and their customers.

I wrote a procedure manual for an Aero Space company I worked at when I was a legal guardian to a friend of mine, Ronda Wells, her son Eric Wells, who had been in and out of trouble with the law. Where I spent three years of my life from the time he was fifteen years old until he turned eighteen in 1988 and where he was the father to my niece Amber's child, Erica.

I made up my mind now I was going to go through with it. I was going to hang myself in the bathroom with a rope slung over the shower tub and that would be the end of it. I found a piece of paper and wrote a note to Locke telling him how sorry I was and all the problems I had caused and for him to find a good home for Feisty.

I put the rope over my head and instead of falling forward I fell backward as if a gust of wind had entered the room and everything thing around me fell off the shelving as I fell backward after losing my balance and grabbing the bar above me. I failed at the attempt of hanging myself because God did not want me to die for some reason that day. It was not my time yet. When I finally came to my senses I figured I should seek some mental health help and that’s what I did. I left a note pinned to the door that I just wrote the numbers "5151" as most people know what that means. It means someone has tried to commit suicide.

I headed to the mental health department and when I arrived there was a sign on the window that mentioned in- order to be admitted I would have to go to Mercy Medical Center first to be admitted to the mental health hospital.

After spending some time at Mercy Medical Center where I was not allowed to leave, but I could go out and have a cigarette with the security guard where he and I had a nice conversation about being homeless, getting back on my feet and my Mom passing away. They fed me well too, as the other female security guard kept asking if I needed anything and the funny thing she was from the Alturas area and she had family there and I thought that’s great she will tell them about me and they will tell her they know all about me and have heard of me before from when I lived in Alturas, California as word travels fast in small communities like Alturas and Tulelake.

I then headed to Mercy Medical Center to be admitted, and after they evaluated me they transported me to Mental Health Hospital where I was given a room after a short intake interview and some paperwork to fill out. They assigned me to a room and even washed my clothes after I got into a gown. I slept until morning and after I woke up I was ready to go on with my life and wanted to get out of there as quick as I could and I did. I was worried about Feisty as I had left her on the cable and I did not know if someone saw the note I left and if she had knocked over her water and food bowls. Or God forbid she got tangled up in the cable. I was ready to go without being seen by the intake clinician or psychologist.

They gave me a ride back to Mercy Medical Center where I could pick up my minivan in the emergency room parking lot. They dropped me off and I head to Bella Vista as fast as I could and when I arrived after I drove up I saw Locke’s young daughter wave at me and when I went inside the outbuilding room everything was as I had left it. Even the radio was still on K-love, the station I had left it on when I left. I could hear Locke’s daughter yelling for me. She yelled out and asked if I wanted to go see her and her brother play soccer this morning and if I did to follow them to the soccer field in my van as they were leaving in a few minutes.

I thought I had died and gone to heaven, as no one knew anything about what I had tried to do. She asked where I went and I told her I had to go see a doctor for some medication. Locke’s mother-in-law from Russia about that time came motioning for me to follow Locke’s dad’s truck. So I checked on Feisty and she was OK and had plenty of water and food, so I thought I needed to feel alive again. I followed them to the soccer field.

I watched both of them play all morning and it was a nice break and a way for me to get away to take my mind off of things as apparently nobody knew anything yet as to what I had tried to do, except maybe Dementias and Steve when they came back from their classes and then headed to the Bay area to pick up the rest of their stuff to move into the one-room cottage in the front of the outbuilding in the back.

After they played their games it was time for everyone to head home. I told them thank-you for inviting me; they headed to Redding as they had other things to do there. I headed back to the outbuilding but stopped at the store first to get a few things. When I got back the back door to the one-room cottage door was locked. I had a key to front door if I really needed to get inside, but I decided that was enough so I packed up my stuff and made two trips to the storage I still had and I was in such a rush to leave I forgot a brand new bag of dog food I had just bought for Feisty and ended up leaving it behind the door along with a few others things I did not think I needed any more.

I became paranoid again about the thought of what Locke would think when he found out I tried to commit suicide in the outbuilding and if his children would have come across my body. I did not want to face Locke as I was embarrassed at what I had tried to do, so that was another reason I decided just to leave and close this chapter and move on and I did, I moved on to sleep in the van for quite some time until I finally rented a motel room. During that time I slept at rest stops in the area, Wal-mart, and the K-mart parking lots for quite some time but that is another story and another chapter for another time.

Mental Health: Paranoid Personality Disorder

Paranoid personality disorder (PPD) is one of a group of conditions called eccentric personality disorders in which people with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar. People with PPD also suffer from paranoia, an unrelenting mistrust, and suspicion of others, even when there is no reason to be suspicious.

This disorder usually begins by early adulthood and appears to be more common in men than in women.

What Are the Symptoms of PPD?

People with PPD are always on guard, believing that others are constantly trying to demean, harm, or threaten them. These generally unfounded beliefs, as well as their habits of blame and distrust, might interfere with their ability to form close relationships. People with this disorder: Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are using or deceiving them are reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that the information will be used against them.

Are unforgiving and hold grudges. Are hypersensitive and take criticism poorly. Read hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others. Perceive attacks on their character that are not apparent to others; they generally react with anger and are quick to retaliate.

Have recurrent suspicions, without reason, that their spouses or lovers are being unfaithful. Are generally cold and distant in their relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous. Cannot see their role in problems or conflicts and believe they are always right and have difficulty relaxing. Are hostile, stubborn, and argumentative.

Mental Health: Paranoid Personality Disorder from WebMD at WebMD

Fear

Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain. Psychologists John B. Watson, Robert Plutchik, and Paul Ekman have suggested that fear is one of a small set of basic or innate emotions. This set also includes such emotions as joy, sadness, and anger. Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable. Worth noting is that fear always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable.

Fear Fear from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at https://www.wikipedia.org/

Jealousy

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring.

Scientific definitions

People do not express jealousy through a single emotion or a single behavior. They instead express jealousy through diverse emotions and behaviors, which makes it difficult to form a scientific definition of jealousy. Scientists still do not have a universally agreed upon definition of jealousy. They instead define jealousy in their own words, as illustrated by the following examples:

"Romantic jealousy is here defined as a complex of thoughts, feelings, and actions which follow threats to self-esteem and/or threats to the existence or quality of the relationship, when those threats are generated by the perception of a real or potential attraction between one's partner and a (perhaps imaginary) rival." (White, 1981, p. 24)

"Jealousy, then, is any aversive reaction that occurs as the result of a partner's extradyadic relationship that is real, imagined, or considered likely to occur." (Bringle & Buunk, 1991, page 135)

"Jealousy is conceptualized as a cognitive, emotional, and behavioral response to a relationship threat. In the case of sexual jealousy, this threat emanates from knowing or suspecting that one's partner has had (or desires to have) sexual activity with a third party. In the case of emotional jealousy, an individual feels threatened by her or his partner's emotional involvement with and/or love for a third party." (Guerrero, Spitzberg, & Yoshimura, 2004, page 311)

"Jealousy is defined as a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship, arising from a situation in which the partner's involvement with an activity and/or another person is contrary to the jealous person's definition of their relationship." (Bevan, 2004, page 195)

"Jealousy is triggered by the threat of separation from, or loss of, a romantic partner when that threat is attributed to the possibility of the partner's romantic interest in another person." (Sharpteen & Kirkpatrick, 1997, page 628)

These definitions of jealousy share two basic themes. First, all the definitions imply a triad composed of a jealous individual, a partner, and a third party rival. Jealousy typically involves three people. Second, all the definitions describe jealousy as a reaction to feeling threatened. Jealous reactions typically involve aversive emotions and/or protective behaviors. These themes form the essential meaning of jealousy in most scientific studies.

Jealousy from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at https://www.wikipedia.org/

Sexual jealousy in humans is an emotion of jealousy which may be triggered in a person when a sexual partner displays sexual interest in another person. from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia at https://www.wikipedia.org/

End of "Up from here" Chapter 15: Belli Vista

"Up from here" Chapter 16: Long Hard Road